Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
