I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
