She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
