Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize