My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
