I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
