omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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