oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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