i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Be still, my beating vagina.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
