i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
my liver is dry heaving
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
