How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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