Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
