Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
