look no pants
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
