It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
