life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
