Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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