drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
