Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize