We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
