He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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