You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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