textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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