I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
