we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
