wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
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