I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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