So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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