Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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