if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
