I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
