u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
So squirting runs in the family.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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