Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
