I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
