I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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