I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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