I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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