Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I need a burrito and a hug.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
