I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
