I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
