I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
