apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
