he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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