If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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