Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
