People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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