We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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