Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
