I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
false alarm, still single
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
