so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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