I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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