Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
