I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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