life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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