my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize