a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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