Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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