Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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