Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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