I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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