So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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