There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
