Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize