I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
