Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
