I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize