the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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