I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
